#FOURTIETHCONFESSION

The best song to describe what none of you will be expecting to be the next confession and how I felt is "Broken - Lifehouse". This has to be one of the most emotionally draining confessions so far.

A night with limited sleep never agrees with me. I guess I am like most people, however when it is a night with barely any sleep and my mind has been ticking over relentlessly thinking about something emotional…that takes a toll on every part of me.

Laying on the opposite side of the bed to Hugh, I was attempting to put as much distance between us as I possibly could. Just as I finally drifted off to sleep I felt my arm being yanked and my body was limply dragged towards him. In my semi unconscious state I found it almost irritating. He had no idea what I had been tormenting myself with all night as he slept soundlessly on the opposite side of the bed and yet here I was again being woken up at the most inconvenient time.

I allowed him to pull me close to him and wrap his arms around my naked body, still attempting to remain frozen and limp which really wasn’t that hard, I felt my heart race and wouldn’t dare to open my eyes. I knew if I opened my eyes of showed any signs of being awake that I would have to face the morning with a smile and push all of the ever-growing concerns from my mind. I really was starting to feel that something was off between us. I knew that he loved me, I could feel it but I just started resenting him for the pressure he was putting on me without even realising it.

Its quite ironic actually. When he wasn’t sharing anything I was petrified of losing what we had and basically threw myself at him, then there were times that he was giving me as much as he possibly could and I couldn’t run fast or far enough away.

As I lay silently in bed with Hugh’s arms wrapped tightly and protectively around my waist, I could feel his breath in my ear as he whispered.

“I meant what I said, I will prove myself to you Ava. Just give me the chance” As he spoke these words I found myself shuddering from the inside out as my heart gave away the fact that I was awake, I knew it, He knew it…What neither of us were expecting was what was going to happen next.

I lay there next to Hugh, desperate to escape into a dark hole as his words reverberated in my head. I swallowed hard to fight the bile from rising and squeezed my eyes shut tighter in the hopes of blinking the impending tears away that were threatening to give my feelings away. I was feeling even more confused than ever about our situation, the events that we had endured together and separately and a restless night of broken sleep wasn’t helping. I felt as though I was losing myself in the transition of a girl to a woman and not just any woman…the type of woman I had vowed never to become… A Mistress.

As the realisation of my choices set in I felt my stomach stir, I felt the bile rise again but my throat was too dry and swallowing was making it worse, I lurched forward, sat bolt up right, threw the covers off me that had felt so restricting (along with Hugh's arms) and jumped out of bed before bolting to the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I tried to catch my breath but it made me feel worse and before I had the chance to stop myself I was leaning over the toilet retching until the final release came and I began vomiting. All I could think about was the words Hugh had whispered to me as they replayed in my mind and each time my stomach lurched again, a wave of nausea flooded my body. I felt myself burning up as the sweat began gathering on the back of my neck and the top of my forehead. I felt the white hot tears burning down my cheeks as the memories began flooding in. As I closed my eyes I saw the drugs, I saw the women from his past we had run into, I saw the intensity and passion floating between us whenever we were in sync, I felt the split second panic every time he touched me rippling through my body that was tripled in that moment, I felt the yoyo of emotional torture as the distance grew and retracted between us on a regular basis on such an intense level that it actually made me vomit again and then finally the image that pushed me over the edge creeped into my head and before I knew it my sight began spinning out of control, my mind and soul felt as though they were splitting in two and I couldn’t stop the images and feelings from making their way past my barriers making me feel like I was in a never ending merry-go-round, until I felt the dulled out blow to my head as I hit the marble floor and curled into a ball silently crying and biting my fist to stop the screams from escaping my mouth, my conscious had kicked in again…I had finally seen the image of the one person that would forever stand in the way of my happiness, my future, my hopes and dreams and the one person that could shatter my entire world to the point of ceasing to exist…The Wife!

Hayley’s image was burned into my memory and no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of her. As the tears constantly welling blurred the image it wasn’t distorted enough for me to find my way out this dark hole I had slipped into. I felt so confused, conflicted and unsure of which direction to take…no matter what the choice was I would find myself in a place I wasn’t ready to handle…but this place I was in right now was my own version of hell, my guilt was eating me alive and I had no idea what to do…I was so lost that I truly wasn’t sure if I would ever get up from the cold hard floors that seemed to be the only thing holding me together but still fearing that at any moment they would open up and the world would swallow me whole.

I had been so numb to the reality surrounding me, confusion poisoning my very existence and consumed by my guilt and love for Hugh that I hadn’t even heard him pounding on the bathroom door, yelling out my name until after he had burst into the bathroom breaking the lock on the door before swooping down and collecting me in his arms and I found myself lying limp feeling like a destroyed mess. His eyes filled with tears as the panic set in that something was seriously wrong. He yanked my white silk robe down from the back of the door and put it on me, gently lifting my still limp body as he placed each of my arms in the holes and tied it gently around my waste. I felt like I was an outsider looking down on this situation. I could see it so clearly from the outside but I was trapped inside my love for him that I just couldn’t see a clear path. He dragged me back into his arms as he repositioned himself sitting on the floor. I continued staring at the tiles on the walls, not registering anything that was happening around or to me, It was as though I had fried my mind and nothing was sinking in anymore. My walls had gone up and nothing but focusing on the safety of that barrier mattered. Behind the wall I was safe…no one was getting in…Not even Hugh.

“Ava, I don’t understand what is going on but please tell me what to do. I knew something was off last night, It’s not like you to go down without a fight but I feel like I am losing you and I have no idea what to do. I am so fucking scared…PLEASE Ava tell me what to do ..I can’t lose you!” I heard every word, I felt ever quiver in his voice and as much as I was desperate to fix this situation I honestly couldn’t muster the strength. I could feel myself falling asleep from the exhaustion. I let my head loll back and moments later my eyes followed until I met his and I saw just how genuinely broken he was inside…Just before I drifted off I gathered the last pieces of energy I had left to fight for what I wanted most and let the last tear roll down my cheek as I whispered almost inaudibly, breathlessly speaking the only words I had left for the very first time while he was awake before giving in to the exhaustion and falling asleep…

“I love you Hugh”