#FIFTY-FIRSTCONFESSION

#COAMMPLAYLIST - Same Old Love - Selena Gomez

Driving home from the office tonight I began thinking about all of the things that have stopped me from sitting down and writing COAMM 2. There are so many excuses I can come up with but the biggest explanation has to be…I’m not quite ready yet. There is SO much more I need to say, so much I need to get off my chest and set myself free from but the biggest thing I have to deal with right now…is that I haven’t dealt with it all yet. I won’t be publishing my book with a publisher this time around. I am going to release this one on line and get it out quicker myself. The opportunity to publish the first book was incredible but there was so much I wasn’t allowed to put in the book that would have made certain things make sense. I didn’t want to change anything and wanted to tell my story the way it was…that’s why this time around if I was approached by a publisher…I would have some rules around how much was edited…you have all been with me from the beginning of this journey and I need to be able to say it as it is. Listening to Same Old Love by Selena Gomez in my car, I was instantly transported back to a moment in time…probably one of the most painful. I will explain the full story in my book but for now…this is what I have to say.

* * * *

We had fought before but never as much as we had this night. I was inebriated, it was the first time I had ever drowned my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle and as dangerous as that path would be to go down…at that moment I didn’t care. I had seen too much, been through too much and felt my heart die in the last few hours. I can’t say what had happened just yet, the story itself is something that will shock many and stun others. 

I had tried to call Hugh what felt like a million times, the pain I had been feeling for hours was not going anywhere until I saw him, knew where he was and who he was with. Deep down I knew the answers, I knew what he was doing and it drove me to pick up another shot. I had already gone searching for him a million times, he had disappeared from the club after being humiliated by one of my celebrity friends in front of a thousand patrons, he deserved every moment of it and I didn’t feel at all sorry for him. We had been on a break for a few months but neither one of us could stop talking to each other. This felt different, on my last venture out to find him I had almost been kicked out of the club. They knew I had been too drunk to go back in but when they realised who I was and what I was doing, they let me back in after I convinced them I wasn’t as drunk as I may have looked…I was actually much worse. I could barely make out the features on his face let alone the next step in front of me. By the time I got back in and searched the club again…reality hit me…he was with HER! My internationally renowned celebrity friend who we will call Alena had come to Australia, she was by far one of my biggest clients and was a household name. I wont give away who she is or what she does but she was in Australia on promotion and we had been flat out the entire time she was here. I had told her about Hugh, about my blog and everything that had happened. It was funny what her response was because she ended up using it as a promotional slogan many years later. After she had humiliated Hugh she got into drinking and made me drink up with the entourage too. Alena had protected me that night and it is something we still talk about today, as a matter of fact we were just messaging about it now. 

After I made sure Alena left with security I decided it was time I left the club too. Hugh wasn’t going to return and his phone was going straight to voicemail. I was ropable, he had promised me he wasn’t leaving with her. He promised that we were going to talk after the event and now he was no where to be seen. I had only been gone around five minutes and in that time he had left the club and turned his phone off. I walked to my hotel in a drunken stumble that was luckily next door to the club and made my way to the elevator in reception. I had taken off my heels and carried them in my free hand. As the elevator arrived and the doors opened, Alena’s bodyguards exited. One of them knew Hugh, knew the story and understood my pain, he had been there during the argument between Hugh and Alena. I was so drunk and had never said the words that were about to come out of my mouth before, but the pain was all consuming. They stopped as soon as they saw my panda eyes and the tears flowing down my cheeks.

“Ava, are you okay” Greg said. Greg looked like a professional wrestler and Stanton was the owner of the security company. He was the sweetest man alive and we had become instant friends.

“Tell your good friend Hugh that he is a c*nt” I was shocked the moment the words left my mouth but was in a rage so bad that I was ready to king hit Hugh. He had shattered my heart again and this time I wasn’t sure if I was able to get over it. He had flaunted my worst fears in front of me and this time I hated him.

“Ava, stop are you okay?” They both asked.

“I’m fine” I said as I entered the elevator and they left. I hit my floor number and quickly made my way to my room. As soon as I entered my head began pounding. I screamed inside as I fought the alcohol swimming inside me. I wanted to shatter the mirror in the bathroom as I looked at my reflection. He had destroyed me in every sense and this time I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to forgive him. We may have been on a break but my side of the bed wasn’t even cold yet and I knew he had someone in it already, I could feel it in my bones.

I tore my dress off viciously, removed my matching underwear and stripped down to nothing. I looked at myself naked in the mirror and couldn’t even see myself anymore. I don’t know why I had let him remove the last of my soul from an already empty shell of a body but I had and it was my own fault. I hadn’t learned to guard my heart enough and because of that the only thing he had left to take from me was my soul. I needed it back, I needed to take it back myself. I pulled down the white silk robe and matching slippers, put them on and turned the shower on. I walked over to the bed where I had flung my bag when I got in the room and pulled out my phone before throwing the bag across the room. I was still livid and knew the only way I was going to calm down was to scream at Hugh. I had never revealed my inner turmoil to him before tonight but it was about time he heard it and I wasn’t even close to being done. I tried calling his phone again but it still went to voicemail. I left him the millionth voicemail and told him to call me back within 10 minutes or it was OVER!

Exactly 9 minutes later I sent him a text message that I knew he would panic over.

“I will meet with Kiki in the morning, hope she was worth it” That was his vice, the one thing that would make him panic more than anything else. Kiki was a mutual friend of his wife and me. I will explain in my book the story about Kiki and how it all came about but this would have sent him into a rush for obvious reasons. It’s funny because thinking about all this, made me just message him…what I messaged you will have to wait and find out!

Within 10 minutes he had messaged me back after I had sent him around 20 frenzied messages since he had left and I don’t know how many voicemails.

“Meet me downstairs in 10” I never responded and within a minute he called me and I answered.

“Where the fuck are you?” I was too drunk to answer or care for that matter.

“Fuck you Hugh!” I finally screamed down the phone.

“AVA WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!” He demanded and a part of me folded with the command in his voice. I knew that I still loved him, it was the only reason I was so angry. He was the only man that I had ever given my heart to and he had thrown it away more than once.

“I’m at my hotel” I said quietly.

“What floor, let me up” he responded with the same command in his voice.

“I’m not fucking letting you in, you fucked her and you haven't even fucking denied it you prick!” I screamed. My voice was horse from the crying and screaming down the phone at each other we had done earlier.

“Ava, don’t fucking do this. Let me up to see you!” He pleaded.

“I’m not fucking letting you in to my hotel room. If you have something to say you can say it to me downstairs” I responded. It was well past midnight and there wouldn’t be anyone around so he wouldn’t have an excuse.

“We need to talk, Please Ava meet me downstairs” He responded.

“Fuck you!” I said sobbing into my phone. I was finally screaming at him the way I had wanted to for months. We had never addressed everything that had happened and I still had one secret that I was keeping from him…and it was a BIG one!

“Meet me downstairs, I’m running babe. Please believe me, my phone died and I need to tell you what happened”

“Bullshit! It’s been an hour and you were fucking her! This is BULLSHIT!” I responded just breaking at the seams.

“I promise you I wasn’t…PLEASE let me in” I wavered for a split second until I fell apart. I was becoming numb and just needed to see him, to look him in the eyes as I destroyed him with my secret. I was blind drunk and knew I should wait until I was in a clear frame of mind but this needed to end NOW and the only way I was going to do that was by telling him what I had been keeping a secret for what felt like eternity and now…I was going to fuck him up as much as he had destroyed me…