#THIRTY-FOURTHCONFESSION

Listening to "Mr Know It All" by Kelly Clarkson and I am really getting into writing this confession. It will be raw and emotional....I will bare all with this memory! x

After I decided I wasn't going to speak to my biological father again and sent him that final message I decided that I still wanted to know my aunt Julie. It became quite a relief to me that I was able to save my relationship with my mother, however I was still very hurt and as much as I wanted to forgive my Nan for lying to me that seemed to hurt much more than my mother just going along with it....I was furious with her, she had no right to lie to me and try to keep this from me. I never asked to be born, I never had a say in who my parents were and she thought she had the right to take one of them away from me without so much as a consultation?. I don't care what he was like or the type of person he is, it's the fact that she was capable of hurting me that much and thinking that it was the right thing for me....what about when I grew up...what kind of example was that setting for me?...It did take me a long time to forgive her and I will go into detail about that some day but for now I am glad that I have been able to move past that and have a relationship with her...she is my rock. I will always love her!

A few months after I said goodbye to my biological father I had really become quite close with Julie. We spoke almost every single day and to be honest I felt so much better about everything because I began to really trust her.

She was there for me when I needed it the most and when I couldn't talk to anyone else about what was going through my head she was usually the first person I went to for answers...or just to vent.

Julie had had a few problems conceiving after she had a brain tumour and had been going through so many rounds of IVF....The week after we had started speaking she found out she was pregnant and she was over the moon. She told me that two miracles had happened and she had two of the most important people come into her life at just the right time, she needed it.

I was so excited, I was going to have a cousin!!!

Almost a year after we started talking we had decided we wanted to meet but I was really still scared. She told me that she didn't have anything to do with my father anymore and that she barely spoke to his children but it was the way it had to be. She knew the type of person that he was and she wasn't going to risk it for her own family let alone risk me or my mum. I was so happy. My mum and Julie really started talking and I think it was good for my mum. I think it helped with closure.

When Maria came over I had no idea why she had chosen to come over so quickly. I knew that she needed to see me for her own personal reasons but I had no idea that my family had planned a 21st party for me with friends and family....To be honest I really didn't want anything special. I just wanted to spend time with Maria....She was the best present to have for my birthday and nothing could top that.

My mum had contacted so many people and when we went to my nan's house to pick up a few things I hadn't realised that it was in fact a party I was about to walk into.

When I walked around the corner with Maria I saw some of the biggest influencers of my childhood and good friends. My best friend who had only had a baby 9 days before had was actually at my 21st with her new born and husband!

I was over the moon...Until the crowd parted and standing right in front of me was Julie. I actually cried...tears just came out from no where. I knew what it had meant for my family to have her come to my party let alone have her in their homes after all the years of running...It was TRUST. Something incredible had come from that ordeal and I was so incredibly happy.

Even though I was happy there was still something inside me that wanted to run and hide. When I was growing up I always loved all the attention I could get...I grew out of that pretty quickly when I realised that I didnt want to be in the spotlight anymore. I hate birthdays. I actually get nervous. I would rather sit in a corner with a bottle of wine with a few friends rather than a full blown party but my family wasn't taking no for an answer.

As much as Julie being there was incredible...I have to be honest and say that I really appreciated Maria there more because I knew her and love her more than anything.

She was still incredibly jet lagged and my number one priority for her was to rest so that not a second was wasted in our waking time. She means the world to me and probably means more to me than a lot of people in my life....she is FAMILY in every single essence of the word...she may as well be blood!

Once I put her to bed I reluctantly went back to the party but it was so hard trying to give every single person the attention they deserved...but for some reason I found Julie really clingy and being that I was reserved at the best of times...it was actually getting on my nerves...so I sat with my best friend and her family the entire time just so that I could get back to some form of normality.

Once the party ended we went back to my house and I had a really quiet night and Julie actually stayed.  The next morning she was flying out and my mum and I took her to the airport. I really didnt want to leave Maria but I knew I had to go see Julie off. I think I was just really scared.

Julie had given me a bracelet that had belonged to my grandmother and that had really overwhelmed me. I didn't feel right knowing I had another family out there when I already had one...but Julie was the last link I had left to my biological family!

We maintained heavy contact at a distance I was comfortable with and we got on like a house on fire. I loved her more than anything and was so blessed to have found her!

Julie had told me that my biological brothers and sisters had been trying to contact her but my father had threatened her not to talk to them. She was gutted but talked to them on Facebook. She had despised my father and I didn't blame her at all.

A month after Maria left I sent her a text message and message on facebook and didn't hear back. Because she was a new mum I totally understood that she wouldn't be able to respond as quickly but as time went by I just got really concerned.

I sent her another text message:

"Hey Aunty Julie, how are you?. Just went to send you a message on FB are you ok?"

No response.

I forgot about the message until I was talking to my mum one night in the car.

I called Julie and the first time she didn't answer. I called again a few minutes later and she answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Aunty Jules...How are you?" I responded with a smile in my voice.

"Who's this?" she responded wearily

"Ava" I responded up beat again.

After a few seconds she hung up.

I looked straight at my mother and was totally confused. I knew she had hung up on me and I had no idea why?!

I tried to call back again but she turned her phone off.

I burst into tears. I couldn't understand why. I had a feeling that my father had told her not to talk to me again and when I got home I realised she had blocked me from facebook. I had a friend log in and when we went to her photos she had been communicating with my father. I was shocked. I had been burned and I was on the verge of a break down. I had not been given a reason and she wasn't going to  give me one....my heart was shattered again!.

I sent her this text message:

"For the last hour and a half I have not stopped crying. I don't even know how to begin this message other than to say I am completely broken. I feel completely disrespected and I'm even questioning if anything you have ever said to me was true. I told you that I don't trust ANYONE because they always end up hurting me. You promised me you would NEVER do this to me, you promised me that you would NEVER hurt me, break my heart of walk away and to quote your last message to me you said "Love you too gorgeous...always have and always will <3", you have completely broken every promise you have ever made to me and I cannot even fathom a reason why you would do this and not have enough respect to give me an explanation, I've thought back to see if I have ever done anything and I cannot think of one reason that you have had a right to do this to me!, I let you into my life, I loved you like no time had ever passed and that we had always known each other. For years when I dreamed about my biological family, I never thought I would have met someone like you. I loved you from the moment I was conceived, the first breath I took and loved you from the moment that I found you. I thought my life was finally complete. While I would never get the opportunity to have a relationship with my biological father I counted my blessings EVERY day and thanked my grandmother (your mother) every night for giving me you...now I'm not sure if that was a blessing or not!

The first time I met you at my 21st I was in complete shock and overwhelmed with the fact that you loved me enough to risk what you did, doubts are running through my head at a million miles an hour right now and no words can explain my level of disappointment, I write this with tears running down my cheeks and I cannot stop them!.

I thought you of all people would remember that in this situation I am the child. I was never able to make the choice to have you or your family in my life and yet I am being punished. 18 years went past and as you said that right to know me was taken away from you, you chose to be in my life, YOU said that you were so excited to be here and YOU said that you would never take that away from me. I felt one of the biggest heartaches in my life when you hung up from me!

You have broken my trust, disrespected me and my love for you and because you couldn't even respect me enough to give me an explanation like " I can't talk to you" or something to that effect, I am feeling a hatred at myself for letting another person into my life when I promised and swore that I would NEVER do it, but also a hatred at you....you and I discussed for hours on end how unfair it was for me to have my family ripped from my life with no explanation and now you have done exactly what you said you hated.

All I can say is if this has happened for the reasons that deep down I want to believe then one day in the distant future I might possibly be able to forgive you, but if its not then do not ever attempt to come back into my life because no amount of apologies or excuses will ever dull the pain, hatred that is building or make any of this ok. Either way I hope you have made the right decision, one that you can live with and one that helps you sleep at night because your decision has turned my life upside down tonight and I do NOT forgive easily. The fact that you could not even be bothered to see if I was ok says a lot to me!. I can now add you to the list of people that have done serious damage to me in this life and I hope that you are able to live with the realisation of that!. I hope one day you don't wake up and regret the decision you have made and how you have treated me because I won't be there to tell you that it's ok!

I wish you well in the rest of your life, I will always have a kind of love for you (but it will never ever be the same again, something innocent and pure) I wish you, your husband and your beautiful boy the best in the world.

I will always love you Aunty Jules."

That was the last text message I ever sent her. It tore my soul in two to send it and realise that I was never going to get a response. I was catatonic for the next few weeks as I fought within to realise it was her choice. I had done nothing and she chose to leave me anyway. I sat there thinking and thinking and thinking even though it hurt me more to but I couldn't understand why she left...it is something I will NEVER know.

It took me a good month to finally breathe and let it go and start living my life again...What I didn't realise was that an even bigger heart ache was on the horizon...because I was so raw I wasn't sure I could take much more. As much as I thought I was broken then...I really didn't know what broken was I had yet to hit rock bottom and I really didn't think I could get any lower....at my weakest moment, my all time low...thats when Hurricane Hugh hit and blew my world into smithereens!

xx Ava