Sitting here listening to "Who will save your soul?" by Jewel....Such an incredible song that I have always loved. I actually sang this once and posted it on youtube...it did quite well and I was really impressed with how well it did....however, when I started working towards something else I really did forget how much music meant to me as a person....However now I get to listen to music as part of my job and I love that more than anything....what I am doing now....is what I was DESTINED to do!
Something happened to me last week that I will get to in coming confessions...The song that really suits this is "In the air tonight - Phil Collins".
This song to be SCREAMS betrayal. I decided to talk to someone impartial about my blog and discussed various opportunities that we could do together. I really thought I could trust this person....and unfortunately they decided to go behind my back and do the unthinkable!. I will get to what they have done very soon in confessions however what I will say about that night is that...When I was talking to that person I got a little chill when I told them some of the things I had been through and why I was writing this. I was assured that I could trust them no matter what....UNTIL I received a call that changed that forever. When I got this call the first thing I wanted to do was ask what this person sounded like....in particular an accent.
It wasn't until the next day that I called my friend back and asked them the one question I knew in my heart I was going to have a huge fear confirmed...I knew that I shouldn't have told this person, however I believed in the good in other people and when the person I had called confirmed what I thought was true....I was completely and utterly hurt. I don't know what this other person had to gain out of trying to out me...BUT what I did know was that I would never be able to trust them if they were going to try and fabricate information and to what benefit for them?. The person who they had called ran straight to me and told me because we have a really good relationship....lets just say that nothing will break that and whoever you are....know this....you failed at whatever you were trying to achieve because it didn't change a thing....one day I will let you all in on this a little further but for now....I will bite my tongue and let it ride!
Now that I have had my little rant...lets get back to what happened with my biological father.
I will be saving a lot of this story for my book (yes I am still writing and I am so excited for you all to get the chance to read it....warts and all).
That night I couldn't stay another minute in the house with my mother. I was so hurt and so angry and I couldn't even look at her without having mixed feelings of guilt and anger. I knew I had to get out.
I went to stay with my aunt for the night and had already told her everything. I knew that I needed someone to share this journey with and to really give me the support that I needed. It was a hard lesson to be learning at my age that you really can only trust yourself. Everyone else has their own motivations and lessons to learn while following their own journey. I didn't know what I was going to do and I didn't know where this was going to lead.
I stayed up all night talking to my biological father. It was a dream come true to finally be talking to him however I was still on guard. I can't really say why at the time I felt like I had to other than to protect myself. For some reason I felt like I had to because so many people around me had betrayed me and I wasn't about to let that happen again.
Everything was going fine. My father admitted that he had beaten my mother and that he was quite a horrible person when he was younger. This was something I already knew. He never once during our conversation said anything bad about my mother and for that I was grateful because I really wasn't sure I was able to sit there and have the rest of my life come crashing down around me and have another negative person in my life.
Everything that my father was saying was filling in so many gaps in my life.....but then he blew me out of the water in saying that he would like to know if I was open to a DNA test, he didn't want to hurt me but he also wanted to know if I really was his daughter. To be honest I hadn't really ever sat there and thought that there was a possibility that he wasn't my father but if my mother had lied to me about so much why would it surprise me that this wasn't the truth either....It wasn't until a little later that someone else in my family would confirm that they believed that there was another person who could possibly be my father....
I have always had a great relationship with my grandmother (nan). She was a vital part of my childhood and even though she had lied to me I was always VERY protective of her. There have been a lot of things in our relationship that have tested us beyond all beliefs and there was a time that I honestly thought I would never speak to her again and because of the circumstances I didn't feel one bit guilty as it was not my fault....however it didn't mean that it didnt hurt me because I was ALWAYS so close to her. I honestly felt like I could tell my nan anything and that she would NEVER judge me for anything...although she could be disappointed in me she always loved me no matter what. I was the first grandchild as my mother was VERY young when she had me but for some reason the strongest bond I have ever had with anyone in my family has always been my nan...she is the most incredible person I have ever met and I would have to say is the female version of my grandfather on my step-fathers side.
Not everyone can remember their first memory but I can and it is the most beautiful memory I ever have. After remembering this I actually spoke to my mother and my grandmother about it and they confirmed it actually happened. It is the most beautiful thing to remember and no matter what happens I will know based on this memory alone exactly how much my Nan loved me.
Ever since I was really little I have always loved the movie "My Girl". I loved it so much that I am pretty sure I used to watch it EVERY SINGLE DAY!. On my 21st Birthday I was given a dvd copy of my girl and it was actually the best physical present that I could have every hoped to have received. It meant more to me than anything I could have ever received because I know the meaning behind it and the memories that the movie brings to me. The movie came out in November 1991 and I was born only a few months before hand....It really is my FAVOURITE movie in the entire world...however there is something even more important to me than that movie...something that every time I listen to it I end up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.
On December 21, 1964 The Temptations released a song called "My Girl". That song is mine and my Nan's song.
About 18 months after I was born I was at my Nan's house. I will forever remember that house. As I stood in the house to my left was a bay window with a lush green lawn and a fence. To my right was a doorway to the kitchen and that is all I can remember about that house...but it wasn't the house that was important it was my nan. Every house that she lived in had the most beautiful aroma...it was the smell of my nan and to this day I cannot tell you what that smell is. I remember being in a little dress and standing in the lounge room when my nan put on "My Girl" by the temptations. She stood in front of me with my hands in hers and to me she was a giant. We danced around the living room to the song and she sang in the most angelic voice. I remember giggling and feeling so safe and thinking about that memory as I listen to the song now brings back memories that melt my heart. I remember how she used to have the softest hands, the most beautiful features and the curliest hair. I remember every inch of her. When she used to hug me, she REALLY hugged me. I felt loved, I felt protected and I felt like the only little girl in the world. My nan was my world and I felt like I was hers too. No matter what was going on in her life, good, bad or indifferent I never once felt her pain, her stress or heartache. I just felt her love.
I have very few memories after that of my childhood but all of the memories of my childhood I do have include her...it wasn't until we moved away from her that my memories really start to fade. That is not to say that I don't have any memories from my childhood but the ones that I do have were either really bad or I just can't remember them clearly enough....It takes a special person to imprint on your heart and she must have made a really big imprint to be able to remember something from when I was 18 months old.
Like I said I grew up with music in my life and what better memory to have as your VERY FIRST memory. I think that is why I love music so much because my first experience with music was with the one person in my life why I love so unconditionally that nothing will ever break that bond...my nan showed me such a love that I will NEVER forget....I didn't just hear it with words...I felt it emanate from everything within her, I felt the love she had for me and because of that I know that she is probably one of the most special people in my life...and even though I am not a religious person....I thank god every day for giving me her!
Now with this next part you will understand why I had to tell you all about this. In my book I will go into further details about my nan but for now that will give you a taste of how important she is to me.
That night as I sat there talking to my biological father I couldn't shake the feeling that something really big was about to break...I didn't know what it was and as far as I had seen he was nothing but a lovely person who admitted to his mistakes, so why is it that I couldn't get my mother and nan's words out of my head?....then it clicked.
I told him what had happened to me with my sexual assault and he flew off the handle as I had anticipated....but what he said next I will never forget.
He had told me that my nan was a thief and a number of horrible things!
In all my life I have known my nan to be closed off with her emotions (like mother like daughter and the same with my mother and I) but the one thing that I would bet my life on is that my nan was anything BUT a thief...she couldn't even steal a heart without feeling guilty...my nan is the best person I know and to be honest it shocked me...but instantly I knew he was lying.
I asked him to explain and he went into a story that when I later repeated to my nan she explained the WHOLE story and she was just a witness....NOT the thief.
Either way the moment he tried to turn me against my nan was the moment that he lost me forever!. No one can ever speak a bad word about my nan unless they want to end up with my back towards them as I walk away....and it wouldnt be something that I could ever EVER forgive anyone for....and you will see just how much this is true in coming confessions.
I talked to my aunt about this the next morning and was so confused because my nan had lied to me but I really couldn't picture her as a thief.
My Aunt never pressured me into telling my mother or anyone else for that matter however she did say that she thought it would be a good idea.
I called Melanie and told her what had happened with my biological father. She told me she didn't know enough about the situation to comment.
After fighting with myself and trying to figure out what I was going to do I realised I needed to confront my mother.
When I arrived home my mother was on the office computer and as I shut the door I told her I needed to talk to her.
I stood as far away from her as I could because being in the same room as her was causing me more pain than I cared to admit. I knew going into this conversation that I was not going to back down. I wanted answers and if she wasn't going to give them to me she had better have a good reason or she would find out very quickly how I can wipe someone from my life...just like she had taught me.
I quickly told her that I had been in contact with my biological father and that Melanie had been the one to put me in contact but that I also knew she had lied to me.
It instantly became a screaming match and she turned it around on me making me feel like I had something to feel guilty about and that I was a horrible person.
I will never forget the moment she turned around and screamed that she didn't want to be on the run again and that if he ever found her that she would end up 6 feet under!
I had no chance of talking to her. Once again it was all about her and I was the bad person for wanting the right to find out who I was and where I had come from. It didn't matter to her that she had lied to me or that because of her I was one of the most lost people in the world and afraid of what I was going to turn out like because I wasn't like my mother personality wise. We may have looked the same but I thought differently to her and sometimes that scared me. I had to know where it had come from.
I was over the character assassination and walked out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom, I slid down the wall and burst into a fit of tears. I was never going to get the answers I wanted and yet I felt I was entitled to them. Every parent should want their child to be ok and yet in that moment in time I felt the most important person in my development was being selfish. I was not allowed to be myself, to find out who I was and to find the truth because I had never been told the full truth.
Eventually she turned to me through gritted teeth and said.
"Do what you want, but if he ever finds me I won't be around for long". As much as I didn't want that to happen I also was not about to take that on my conscience. If I had never been lied to, if I had just been told the truth all along and been able to ask questions I would never have gone seeking answers....so she had to take some of that on herself because things would have been VERY different if she had just been honest an open....especially considering I had never been able to go to her...even though she said I could....I never felt that the door swung both ways and yet I was expected to be open and honest with her???....It runs both ways...just like trust...its a two way street...if you want trust you have to gain it and she had blown any trust I had for her.
There are people that are meant to come into your life for a reason. My biological father came into my life as a sperm donor, he didnt really love me and that I am sure of and you will find out how I know soon enough...but it takes a VERY special person to be a father and as much as we have had out disagreements in the past....my step-father has been more of a father to me than anyone else who has tried to fill that role. I am grateful that he is there for me if I ever need it...It will be a VERY hard decision for me the day I get married as to who will walk me down the isle and I am dreading having to make that decision...If my grandfather was still alive It would have been him no questions asked because he was the best person for the job and I wouldn't care what ANYONE said...however because that is not possible there are 4 people who I would love to walk me down the isle and making that decision will hurt some of them...When push comes to shove these are the people I would want to walk me down the isle...My Nan, Step-Father, Mother & My Uncle...I don't know how I am going to make that decision when the day comes but I know my heart will lead me in the right direction.
That night I sent my biological father a message saying that I needed time to think and that I would be in contact as soon as I figured out what I wanted....knowing all too well that what I wanted...he could never give me. In our short contact I found that we were SOO alike but that we were also SOO very different. I knew the difference between right and wrong and he didn't...My mother and nan were my mother and father for almost my entire life and that meant more to me than a man who couldn't even tell me the truth...at least my mother had a good reason....my father was a psychopath and I was not about to be lead astray just because I desperately wanted to know where I had come from...I knew now and whilst it helped me a little...it made me even more confused.
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and that out of every bad experience there is always something good, So the one positive thing that came out of it was Julie. She was the blessing, the silver lining...or so I was desperate to believe.
xx Ava
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