It's one of those days today where I am sitting here listening to "Caught Up - Usher". So I am sure you can all just imagine what my mindset is as I sit here writing this.
Despite what people think it is not always champagne and roses with Hugh and I. There is a lot of emotional torture that I voluntarily put myself through for no other reason than the fact that I love the man. In times that I am not sure how much longer I can cope with things as they are I listen to a number of songs, anything from "Dear John - Taylor Swift", "Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson" and my personal favourite song on repeat "Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson".....but there comes a time when my Spotify changes and I end up listening to songs like "I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz", "I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons" or even "You Get Me - Michelle Branch" and all of a sudden I find myself falling again....I find myself realising that it isn't very often that you find a love that is all consuming and someone that makes you feel safe.....because of that I end up picking up my phone and responding to his messages or sending one to sort things out....
I think the reason that I have such a struggle with the decision I have made is because I swore I would never be that woman.....with the unavailable man, I would never break my morals and I have seen what affects my choices and the choices of Hugh have done on the other side of the fence as this is something I watched my mother go through being hurt and betrayed by someone she loved......but you can never truly judge someone or their choices until you are in their situation and god knows that putting yourself in the shoes of another is one of the hardest things to do when you are facing the situation from the outside....now I know in a similar sense from the other side what it is like and at times these things are out of your control....although you have to own your part as you still have free will....something that at times can get you into a lot of trouble.....however I have NO regrets. I have done what is right for me and sometimes you have to be selfish in life because the only person who will ever truly look out for you in this life....is YOU.
The other problem with being a Mistress is the constant misconception that it is all done for money. I can honestly say that I have never taken money from Hugh. Yes he has paid for meals, drinks and gifts etc however I have done the exact same thing. For example just recently I purchased a bottle of his favourite drink "Chivas Regal" 18 year old bottle and a bottle of his favourite cologne "Obsession by Calvin Klein" just because. The thing with Hugh is he HATES anyone paying for anything and hates presents, he likes to spoil...but I am headstrong and can come across and brash when people watch us....I wear the pants when we are together but that is only because if I didn't he would go crazy with his money, that and It frustrates me sometime how he is always giving to people who are very obviously just using him for his money and yet here I am taking not a cent from him and yet I get labelled?!.....Society is crazy!
After being sick that night I still couldn't manage to bring up what I needed to tell him the next morning. We had made love that night and it was as perfect as ever but there was something dry in the air with us.....he was waiting for a response and I knew that I wouldn't be able to give it to him anytime soon....I needed to breathe, walk away, think rationally and then come back and figure it out together. I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to talk to him or what the reaction was going to be but I knew that if I didn't tell him the truth....I was going to end up burning inside and potentially loose it at him.
When I left the next morning I found myself aching inside. I didn't want to leave him again but I wasn't ready for anything more "Permanent". I didn't know how much longer her was going to accept it but for now he was going to have to.
I actually had a pretty normal life when we parted ways. I have family and friends who I love and adore, I have a VERY hectic career that keeps me busy and at times its exactly what I need.
A week after this little encounter my BEST friend in the entire world came to Australia from Europe. We will call her Maria. Maria has to be one of the biggest support networks I have in my life and at times she can be distant and very much like myself however I know in my heart that she loves and adores me as much as I love her. She is my Sister from another Mister and I could never imagine my life without her....
She came to Australia and believe it or not after knowing each other for almost 5 years it was the first time we had ever met face to face. We met through my work and I started working closely with her, We had communicated via email, via skype, phone and ever other medium you could possibly have ever imagined and she is an extremely well know person in her country so looking after her was so much fun. We grew our friendship from the ground up but never really found the need to come face to face....until then.
I will never forget the day she landed at the airport, I honestly believed that she hadn't gotten on the flight because we had planned to speak the day before she was due to catch her flight and she never responded to my email or text. I began panicking as I had no idea if she was coming and I had really needed to see her at that point in my life. I had worked myself up to knowing that she was coming out and we booked the flights the same night I had jokingly suggested it after she was really upset. Two days later she was getting on a flight and now I didn't know if she was actually going to walk through the gates at the international airport. I stood at the arrivals gate for an hour. I was so nervous I wanted to cry. I was so excited that I was finally going to meet her after all these years, the ups and downs that we had throughout our long distance friendship and yet something in my heart was making me want to cry but I couldnt figure out what.
Thirty minutes later out of the corner of my eye out walked a short, tanned skinned, dark haired european princess. I screamed and ran over to her and scooped her up into a massive embrace...I was so excited I actually stood on her foot....I burst into tears as I realised that the biggest pain in my heart at that very time was that as much as I wanted her to be here....I knew in my heart that she would eventually leave....such a morbid thing to think when your best friend has only just landed in the country but there was a reason for my feelings that I would come to realise VERY soon.
My mother had always said to me that in this life you only ever have one true friend that will be there through thick and thin and after everything if you still have them in your life....they are your TRUE friend....Maria is my best friend in this entire world. She really is another sister I never had and she knows EVERYTHING about me in this life. The good, the bad and the ugly. We may not always agree and we may not speak every day but deep in my heart I know that I couldn't imagine my life without her.....So I have actually dedicated my book to her and a very select number of people....if there was ever anyone who could see my heart and accept me for everything that I am and everything that I will be I truly believe that this is her. I am extremely protective of her and would never let anyone or anything hurt her and only ever want to see her succeed, I will always support her and we have found that we always know what the other is thinking or about to say without needing to hear it....We know how to speak to each other and we know the boundaries, the deepest darkest secrets in the dustiest corners of each others souls and even though we are both completely messed up I would never change a thing or judge her for any choice....and I TRULY believe that this is the same from her. If I never spoke to her again I know in my heart I would and could never hate her...there is nothing she could say or do to break this friendship or connection....She is the best friend I have ever had and I believe I ever will have in my life....there aren't many people who will love you warts and all unless they are blood and as far as I am concerned she is....and even then it is a struggle at time.
In the car we talked about Hugh and Maria turned to me and said "Seriously Ava, How could he still be in the picture. I will never like him, I hate what he has done to you" she said this with a disgusted but non judgmental tone.
As this was the first time that she and I had ever met me she had obviously never met Hugh and with every secret she knows and every piece of information she HATED him....actually she hated him so intensely that she wasn't afraid to say it.....little did I realise in her trip that she was going to meet him also and what happened that night....I will NEVER forget.....I was so afraid I was going to have to choose between my best friend and the man I had fallen so madly in love with....Was "Blood" really thicker than water?
xx Ava
Just finished reading ur confessions cannot wait till the next one! Think im hooked! ;-) x
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