#TENTHCONFESSION

Today has been a day of reflection. I am absolutely excited for the future and to be honest I am extremely happy with my life right now. I have disappointment and of course there are things that I wish had gone differently but today has been an extremely positive day.

I'm sitting here on the way home from work and I'm listening to one of the most beautiful cover songs that I have ever heard. I can feel the passion and emotion it's called "Hold on we're goin' home" and it has pulled at my heart strings as I reflect on what has happened between Hugh and I so far. The is version of the song makes me FEEL what it was like the first time we spent time together alone so to get that understanding I'm actually going to share it with you.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jsIYaytD8eM thankyou to my new favorite artist @ArleneZelina for breathing life and emotion into this song I'm proud to call myself a fan of yours!

So yesterday's confession really took a lot out of me. I was physically and mentally drained after the last few days but it has been extremely therapeutic for me to see how you all feel about our story.

There have been a lot of questions about whether Hugh knows about my page....the answer is no and I am not sure how he would react as he is an extremely private person hence the reason for the names and places being confidential. I would never put him in harms way, no matter what happens.

The next few weeks after I returned home from my trip interstate I hard a hard time coming to terms with everything. I was no clearer on where I stood with Hugh but I couldn't let him go. 

Three weeks after I had seen Hugh he called me to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and New Years. I advised him that I would be spending it with family and he became really down. I wasn't ready to introduce him to my family and because he sensed that he asked if I would take a few days out and see him over Christmas and he would fly into town. He had said that he wanted to see me over Christmas.

I decided that I did to and because of that I agreed that I would.

The closer I got to spending time with him the more nervous I got. I knew that it wouldn't be long until things would become intimate however I wasn't sure if I would survive myself if I wasnt ready. 

A week before Christmas I began getting excited until that fateful day when Hugh called me and advised that he would be able to make it. I was both disappointed and relieved. He called and told me that he had to go overseas with his sons as he had promised a trip to Vegas to them. In an instant I was a little concerned....and who wouldn't be it was VEGAS!

The entire trip there he sent me messages reassuring me he was behaving but also that he was having a great time....like any girl that didn't know if she could trust him I sent messages saying "yeah sure lol have fun with the strippers" and things to that affect.

Little did I know that I was opening Pandora's box for months to come....remember what you put out there you get back 3 fold and because I had said that jokingly he would dish that right back at me very soon!

I'm listening to "U got it bad" by usher right now because I'm going to jump forward past Christmas and take you to February the next year.

In the time that I have skipped all I can say is that the same flirtatious banter continued but because I was so busy I didn't get the chance to see him in just over a month...the next time I saw him was going to change everything....forever.

We had agreed to catch up at his apartment out of town on February 12th....the exact date one year after we had met. 

A lot had happened in those 12 months and it was a roller coaster.

This time I was going to be with Hugh all alone.....and I almost backed out when I arrived at the apartment as I sat by the beach with the wind blowing in my hair at 7:30pm looking up at the apartment thinking.....am I ready for this? 

As if on Cue he called and told me to meet him upstairs.

When I got to the penthouse it was instant feeling of dread in the out of my stomach.....I knew what was going to happen the moment I entered that apartment, I knew where the night was heading and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it....but the man had chased me, cared for me and waited 12 months! There aren't many out there that would be bothered so that began to reassure me a little more.

I walked in with my Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on my arm and my suitcase behind me, I could feel my palms sweating and my body trembling as I put my things in the master bedroom and he came up to me and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and ran my fingers through his hair and the spark returned but I fought the urge to pull away.

After 20 minutes I was dressed and ready for a night out and we left to dinner at an incredible brand new restaurant that was named after a famous area in New York!

I had a meeting the next morning over an hour away and decided I was not going to be drinking....but you will soon find out that is impossible when Hugh is around....

The owner came up and ended up having a drink with us after we had finished dinner and I went to the bathroom.

When I returned there was 2 shots on the table of tequila. Now I had never had Tequila so I didn't realize how interesting this was about to get. I refused at first and Hugh told me to just do it and laughed.

I took the shot and felt the liquor burn as it ran down my throat. The taste was horrendous and I was sure I was going to be sick.

3 minutes later I went into the bathroom and within 10 minutes I was fine.....and seriously tipsy. As I'm not a big drinker this incredible liquid had done the trick first go!

When I returned there was a Vodka and Orange waiting for me....which I downed straight away and found out later they had been double Vodka and one part orange...whoops.

Hugh was on his phone and the owner began talking to me. He asked me to try a new drink they had in the bar and I immediately followed him in my almost drunk state. When Hugh came over I was standing against an Italian pillar and the owner was leaning against the bar talking to me. He me by the hand and said we had to go.

I was mid way through a conversation and by this stage seriously drunk!

I laughed as he was so serious and I was so happy because I had just been talking about him. Something in his frosty response and tight grip made me shut up pretty quickly.

When we walked out he stopped dead and said "I don't like that!".

I responded "what?"

"I don't like seeing you with other men!, the way he was looking at you, the way he was coming onto you, the way you were laughing at what he was saying....I just don't like it!....why aren't you that easy around me, you are always so tense".

"We were talking about you FFS! And the reason is because I'm not attracted to him!"

He froze, I'm not going to lie the owner was stunning but he didn't have what Hugh had, Hugh had my heart!

"Stop reading into sh*t, I'm here with you aren't I?"

"I'm so sorry Ava".

I looked at the conflict in his eyes, reached up and planted a passionate kiss on his lips that reassured him. I was too drunk to care for an argument.

The next place we ended up at was the gentlemans club.

I met with all 3 owners and loved one of them to bits!. We will call him Rick....and there is a very funny story that comes with him soon!

I was stupidly drunk after my second shot and kept drinking. I think I was so nervous that I wanted to be absolutely blind to hide my nerves.

I ended up sharing the fact that I do not have a gag reflex!!!!

Both Hugh and Rick dropped their drinks right next to the bar where we were solidly planted and the glasses shattered on the floor as they burst out laughing. Rick looked at Hugh and said....is this for real?!?

Hugh couldn't stop laughing....let's say that I have a saying about this night and I'm going to leave this for you to figure out.

"Three Fingers, Two Shots and a Bar".....to say I was drunk was an understatement of the world.

I was having a great time until the 33rd drink and I began to feel sick....I think I did pretty well....I could barely feel a thing and my mind was muted.

I walked straight into the gold guild bathroom, placed my hand back on the back of the toilet door, knelt down and was very unwell.....I got up laughed, walked out and redid my entire makeup, took a photo to see what kind of a job I had done in the morning even though it looked perfect and walked out.

The only reason Hugh knew something was wrong was because I sat down.

He walked straight up to me and said "I'll take you home honey, you look like you could use some sleep". 

When we got back to the apartment he carried me into bed and took off my shoes before saying....you can't sleep in that!

I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Watch me" as I lay there on the bed completely blind drunk.

He walked over kissed me on the forehead and placed a glass of water on the table next to me and said "I'll be back soon, rest up I'm just ping to give rick a key as he is coming back for drinks in a few hours"....I had forgot about that. I knew I would be ok in an hour I was just exhausted.... And very very drunk... I thought I had escaped the possibility of intimacy....how wrong I was.

I was woken to a very bright light and someone standing by the bed....I looked up and saw a blonde Barbie with her hand playing with my hair...I knew her immediately as Ricks girlfriend....

Before my mind registered what was happening she said in her cutesy little voice "you look so pretty when you sleep!"

I jumped back not realizing that I had taken off my clothes and was sleeping in my bra and underwear I grabbed the sheets and pulled my knees up to my chin....as she edged closer.

At that moment Hugh entered and the look of utter shock was on his face as I whimpered...."what the fu*k? Get her out of here" he told her to leave and she began laughing quite loudly and obviously drunk.... Hugh reentered and sat gathering me up in his arms on the bed hugging me with a fierce embrace...I felt my body shaking uncontrollably as the alcohol began to course my veins again and adrenaline was making my heart race as I prepared myself in all my vulnerability of what was about to happen....thanking god that I was still VERY drunk and my inhibitions were lowered....there was no way my mind was going to talk me out of it this time! 

xx Ava