#FOURTY-SIXTHCONFESSION




"Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie"

*SPOLIER ALERT - DON'T READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE READ MY BOOK*

So many of you have been asking if there will be a sequel to COAMM. I would like to let you all know that I am currently working on this. I will be sharing small snippets from the current works, these will not be full confessions and won't necessarily be in order like the last, this next book is something that will shock a number of you. Please be patient as I get this underway and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping to get me this far! So many exciting things to come. 

xx Ava

#COAMMPLAYLIST


  - NEVER LET ME GO - 
FLORENCE + THE MACHINE


As I leant against the balcony, struggling to stand and holding onto the railing for more than just physical support I tried to clear a path in my seriously clouded mind. The hardest part about opening up to people about Hugh and tell them the things was that I knew deep down were true was the fact that they had all told me months or years earlier to steer clear of him. As much as I had known they all had a reason to say it, that they were all looking out for me I also knew that for the first time in a long time I had a level of happiness I wasn’t willing to sacrifice. It may sound strange to anyone who hears the story of Hugh and I, I have had people say to me so many times that I just need to leave but what they don’t realise is that it is all well and good for them to tell me that but until you have been in the situation you can’t really make a level headed decision. The number of people in my life who have told me to leave him, then seen us together and changed their opinion, knowing the back story of everything that has happened, the pain I have tortured myself with constantly and the small bursts of happiness over time is ridiculous. A very good friend of mine and client witnessed this first hand, but more on that later.
I thought about what I was going to say to Elisa for a split second and then spilled everything, but the time I had finished she was livid and speechless.
“Ava, you have to get out of there honey. That is so shit. Get out before he gets back” Her response stunned me. No I told you so she just showed she cared.
“I know, I’m just so confused. I know it’s crazy but I am so scared. I feel like a giant idiot. I know this is my Karma but I never expected to feel the way I feel right now.” 
“What are you feeling?” She responded cautiously.
“I feel empty. One moment I will get a burst of rage then sadness will ensue but the moment I feel any of this it’s almost like it just disappears. I can literally feel it all slipping away from within” I angled my head towards the roof as another bout of tears began to sting the back of my eyes. I didn’t know how many more tears I had to cry. I was exhausted and wanted it all to stop. I wished in that moment that I had’t followed my gut instinct. I wished that I had just stayed in bed and let the sickly feeling pass. As much as I prayed that I would wake up from this nightmare I knew this was the real world and I definitely wasn’t dreaming. No dream could ever cause this much pain.
“Ava, Please get out of there. You will only do more damage to yourself. You don’t deserve this. How could he do this to you?” Her words vibrated through me. How could he do this to me?
“I don’t know. Just when I thought everything was changing, that we were shifting for the first time in years the rug is pulled out from beneath me. I don’t know how to pick myself up and walk away forever. I don’t think I can do that E!” I didn’t bother holding back the tears this time. I was finally speaking the truth from the depths of my heart, something I hadn’t allowed to be vocalised in such a long time.
“It will take time, you need to let yourself breathe and then decide what you want to do. You either say something to him now or you let it go.” I had no idea what I was going to do but I knew she was telling the truth. 
A few minutes later I hung up from Elisa and made one last call, I needed to speak with someone who knew what I had planned to say the night before and exactly how far I was willing to go to prove to Hugh that I wanted to be with him. Something that would have solidified to him that I wanted to be with him.
“Hey Ava how are you sweetheart” The moment I heard her voice I felt myself switch into the empty mode. I had to get it all out, no emotions. I told her the story and let it sink in for a moment.
“Are you okay?” She responded with the exact amount of calmness and concern that I needed to keep me on an even keel.
“I will be” I responded.
“So what are you going to do?” Her tone set my mind racing. She was matter-of-fact, a very successful businesswoman and something about the formality that laced her voice sent me spiralling. Almost like a lightbulb went off above my head, I knew exactly what I was going to do, something so far left of centre, something no one would expect me do to as a reaction and something that would allow me to sort through all the bullshit in my head and clear a path of exactly what I would do and if I would ever take him back.
“I’m going to write a blog” the moment the words came out of my mouth I knew that was exactly what I was going to do.
“What?” Lily was definitely not expecting that.
“I need to clear my head, I need to get it all out and I think that other people might be able to learn from this, relate to it or even help me figure it all out”
“Ava you’re not thinking clearly. It was only yesterday you were telling me you were going to talk to Hugh about signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement so that you two could really move forward and he would finally open up to you” I knew what she was saying but something about my crazy idea seemed so right. I was definitely a mess, I just needed something to make sense to me after everything I had seen that morning and the idea of writing it all out, from my soul seemed to calm me a little.
“Fuck Lil, seriously I can’t understand why he has done this to me. I am jumping between hating him one minute and desperate to bury my head the next and ignore everything. I just can’t seem to think clearly. I’m glad I didn’t give him that last night. I feel like a giant fucking idiot” I couldn’t say anything more. I had found myself back in the dark hole I thought I had escaped the last time a man tainted me, the only difference was that this time the pain was something I knew I wasn’t going to be able to escape. Hugh was the reason that I felt sane again, like the pieces had finally been put back into place and he nurtured me back to resembling some form of whole person, as whole as I could ever be again, in one split second in time everything unravelled and this time broke three fold. I slid down the cold pole and pulled my legs in close to my chest with my phone still at my ear. Lily was silent on the other end. I knew she was as lost for words as I was, she had met Hugh months before hand at an event she was running and knew the moment she saw us that we were together, even though I had never said anything. I will never forget the words she spoke to me that very night.

* * * *

“Ava, I have to say, I envy you” she said as we reached for drinks at the bar.
“I’m sorry?” I responded. I hadn’t known Lily for long and I definitely didn’t know what to make of her comment.
“You are a very lucky woman. I wish I had a man look at me the way Hugh looks at you” I turned to see what she was talking about, knowing full well that he was staring at me as his eyes burned into the back of me. I blushed as our eyes connected, my skin lit on fire every time he looked me in the eyes. I could never keep anything from him, my eyes always gave me away. I was indisputably and utterly in love with the man standing on the opposite side of the room, following my every move with his eyes and like a magnet we always found ourselves side by side, touching, breathing and revelling in each others presence. I turned my attention back to Lily and the drink in front of me.
“I’m not sure what you mean Lil, we’re just friends” I lied taking a sip of my drink and not daring to look her in the eyes.
“Ava you two can’t fool anyone here. It is so obvious that there is something more going on there. He can’t stay away from you for too long and when you are apart his eyes never leave you for more than a split second. It’s like he craves your presence and gets a little irritated when you aren’t by his side. Just look at him, he’s fidgeting talking to one of the boys from marketing with his own clients there, obviously not paying one bit of attention to what they are saying and I bet it won’t be long until he makes his way over here.” I took another sip of my drink, not sure how to explain that away. I could never believe the words that people spoke about the way Hugh was towards me. I knew every word of what they were saying was true but I never wanted to admit it to myself as I could never be completely sure that he truly felt that way about me. As much as it was obvious to anyone who was around us, I never wanted to believe it, the moment I allowed myself to give in to everything I wanted with him was the very moment I knew it would all come crashing down around me. My past had cursed us before we had ever really had the chance to give it a chance. I lifted my head to look at Lily and try to form some kind of response that would make sense without looking too much like a cover up. As I opened my mouth to speak I felt something about the air around me shift. I closed my eyes knowing there was no way I was going to be able argue with what was happening around me. I felt Hugh making his way across the room before Lily opened her mouth and I closed my eyes in anticipation of the delicious man who was making his way across a packed room to be by my side. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and hold him close, kissing him passionately. I wanted to breathe him in and never let go of the magic we created when it was just the two of us.
“Ava, where’d you go?” Hugh said when he finally reached us at the bar, brushing up against me from behind as he pretended to squeeze his way through the crowd, running his hand along the small of my back and lightly running his fingers down the right cheek of my backside before staking his claim to his position at the bar on my right.  I looked down at my drink and played with the stem of my glass, knowing full well what was going on in Lily’s mind. I could feel her staring at the side of my face with a smirk on her face, I refused to acknowledge her and mentally prayed that she would stop. I looked at Hugh, only raising my head slightly and still running the tips of my finger along the stem of my glass, he never ceased to take my breath away, the look of him as he leant his right hip against the bar, his legs slightly crossed as he leant on an angle, dressed in a full suit, a calm yet mysterious look constantly gracing his beautiful face always managed to make me want to kiss him. I watched as he signalled for the bartender to come to him, silently commanding anything and anyone around him so subtly you wouldn’t even realise the power that oozed from him was so controlled and easy to get sucked into. He was like a vortex, women always noticed him before they even laid eyes on him and men wanted even half of the charisma that emanated from him, yet here he was chasing me around everywhere I went. I couldn’t understand it. I hadn’t even realised I had been staring at him so intently and so lost in my thoughts that I had completely forgotten to introduce Lily and Hugh. I heard Lily clear her throat to my left and shook my head regaining my sanity.
“Sorry Lil. Hugh this is Lily, Lily this is Hugh Montgomery” I said making the introductions. Hugh leant over me and placed his right hand out to shake Lily’s. As he edged closer to me, standing less than half a foot from me, I felt the heat radiating from his body warm my skin and his familiar cologne took me back to the many moments I had smelt it before, my favourite ones were always when we were in sync, when he took me by surprise me with his words or actions, but one sheet clawing moment managed to capture my attention. I was so lost in my heavenly memories of our sinful nights that the sharp stings of electricity that coursed through my body, originating from my hip caused by his finger tips running back and forth from my hip bone to my stomach were teasing the arousal that had been awoken only moments earlier, his touch was irritating me because I knew I couldn’t have him then and there. Something about the way he was leaning over me and lingering in the same spot while striking up a conversation with Lily made me feel like he was enjoying this far too much. He knew what it was doing to me and now definitely was not the time to be playing our little game.
“I’ll be back in a minute, I’m going to find Maria” I said not daring to look at either of them and turned as quickly as I could to make a quick getaway.
“Wait Ava” I stopped dead in my tracks, expecting this to happen as an arm reached out and stopped me. I knew I wasn’t getting away from either of them for VERY different reasons. I spun around and followed the arm still holding on but was shocked to find it was Lily who had stopped me.
“Whats up?” I said casually, looking her in the eye but terrified that she was about to spill the beans on our conversation earlier.
“I’ll go find her. You two haven’t really had the chance to catch up tonight, stay here have a drink, let me go and find her and bring her back here” My heart leapt into my throat as she spoke each word. I wasn’t sure I was hearing her correctly. I thought that maybe my brain was mixing up the words on purpose to mess with me. I swear her lips were saying something else.
“That sounds like a good idea. I think you deserve a drink after a long day” Hugh said with a cheeky smile on his face. I felt like a pawn in the middle of a bad set up. Both of them had their agendas and yet only one of them knew what the other was up to.
“I guess I don’t have a choice” I said letting out a laugh of defeat and walking back towards the bar. Hugh turned to greet the bartender who had finally finished pouring his drink and Lily stopped and whispered in my ear before beginning her search for Maria.
“I told you. You definitely can’t hide it, the way you two move in the same way when you’re next to each other is something I would kill for. He is so obviously in love with you. Don’t let whatever is stopping you, stop you. You don’t find that every day. Trust me!” she said before walking off and leaving me standing there as though I had just been hit by a bus. Hugh turned around in time to see me looking like a deer stuck in headlights and snapped me out of it by grabbing my hand and pulling me sharply towards the bar where a new drink had magically appeared where my empty glass used to be.
“Are you okay?” he said, holding my hand for one second too long. I ripped it out of his grip and before I had realised how it would have looked to anyone to could have been looking he gripped the corner of my elbow and weaved me casually through the crowd leaving our fresh drinks untouched at the bar. To anyone watching us they would have just thought we were looking for someone but I knew what was happening. He knew something was wrong and he was going to sate whatever had caused me to so violently pull away from him the only way he knew how, the only way we knew how to tell each other how we felt when words just weren't enough.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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