#FIFTHCONFESSION

I have had the most incredible day today. I have just come back from shopping with my beautiful mother. The initial shopping trip was not to go out and spend a fortune (which ended up happening haha) but rather it was to go to the bank and get one thing for my little sister. Of course we ended up at Myer and I couldnt resist buying my favourite perfume "Coco Chanel - Mademoiselle". The smell always reminds me of one of my best friends who I would call my "Sister From Another Mister". We will call her Maria and the last time I saw her she wore this perfume.....I am wearing it now and memories from the perfume make me smile....I will never forget the day she met Hugh...more on Maria later.

On the way back to my parents house in the CarBefore we left the shopping centre I gave my mother something...just because...Her favourite perfume.....Tresor, I cant say that this smell reminds me of my mother too often because growing up I dont remember her wearing it, everytime I walk past Red Door....thats when the memories start flooding by. My mother couldnt believe I had purchased it right under her nose and she had no idea (no pun intended on the nose thing haha).

Her shock really got to me and I realised that I needed to tell her about this page, I dont like keeping secrets from her because she is always a good sounding board....She never really gives me advice but rather she listens and lets me come to my own conclusions on what I feel is right for me.

In the car on the way there my mother had me in tears, She had coffee with my nan before we went shopping and during that conversation they had my nan (grand mother) had said she needs to start putting her will together. Well, I havent touched on my relationship with my grandmother yet but let me say this....I couldnt stop the tears flowing at the thought of my nan putting together her will, there isnt anything wrong with her, she just feels its time to start this. The thought that one day she isnt going to be hear shreds my heart to pieces, I honestly cannot fathom the thought that she wont be here one day...I may seem quite strong but when it comes to family.....they are irreplaceable!

As we left the shopping centre my mother said to me that she had a present for me. She said, I know its not exactly the one you wanted and you wanted to wait for it but I really wanted to get this for you.

She handed me a little bag and I knew in an instant EXACTLY what it was that she was giving me!...I will explain in coming confessions why I was looking for this but for now you need to wait because the story behind this is so powerfully heart breaking that you need to know EVERYTHING and not jump ahead.

Opened the little black box and inside was a stunning silver ring with the words "Hope, Love and Faith" engraved. I was over whelmed by this touching gesture as the first thing I saw was the words "Hope". In the last few months I have had to have all 3 things constantly in my heart to be able to function but I have always maintained my Hope...more on that later.

In the car on the way back to my parents I said to my mother that when we got back I really needed to tell her something...Now as I said above that the last couple of months have been hard....that was an understatement....they have been horrific, the first thing my Mum did was grip the steering wheel a little harder and exhale saying "What?....Just tell me". I said to her that it wasnt anything bad and that made her breathe easy. I said to her that I didnt just want to tell her, I really needed to show her. I wanted to show her that I had started this blog and how much support I was getting from you all. In those few seconds that my mind was planning how I was going to break this to her she said to me....."It's about the page...Confessions of a Millionaire's Mistress isnt it?". My JAW DROPPED. Literally I was like HUH?!.

She said to me that she knew about the page (facebook blog) and had been reading it but didnt want to tell me that she knew because she didnt want me to stifle what I was writing because I knew she was reading.........well I am glad I didnt tell her from the beginning because I know that I wouldnt have been as honest and the story about.....well everything so far would have been underplayed.

Now that I know she is reading this I will continue on my path and wont be changing a thing...so Mum...when it comes to the time that I start writing WARNING 18+ Recommended......PLEASE STOP READING!!!! haha...that is going to be awkward!

So now I am sitting on the Patio outside listening to the rainbow birds go crazy in the trees as the wind heads in and spreads a cool breeze over me...I think of the beauty in life, love and most of all the HOPE I have....Hope that one day....I will achieve my wildest dreams and grow into half the woman, wife and daughter my mother is.

I am listening to "With You" by Jessica Simpson and it reminds me of that feeling you get right when you start falling for someone....those little private jokes, those long looks and most of all the butterflies.....As a relationship develops the butterflies don't appear as often and the flirtation becomes a little less intense......I can honestly say that I still get that nervous, butterflies in my stomach and the loving looks of passion haven't faded between Hugh and I. Every time I don't see him for a while I end up listening to music that make me want him more....but when it comes time to see him again.....the nerves kick in and I get that almost sick feeling that I am once again thrown back into the memories of the things I have been through with men. I can feel the innocence that I have lost and the memories of fear of someone touching me flooding back and my heart begins to race....That is until I am right next to him...and all of that seems so stupid....he is the one person that has been gentle and kind with me heart, body and soul...That is one of the biggest things I am grateful for....In his arms I feel at home.

The morning after the cocktail party I woke up feeling so confused. I was really torn....I didnt know how I was going to hide how I was beginning to feel to maintain professionalism and I had no idea how I was going to deny what I was feeling and fend him off....The only thing that I was able to think of was that I was petrified of having any form of intimacy because I couldnt bare the thought of being touched. I was genuinely afraid. I cant say what it was that I was afraid of I was just really scared.

I got dressed and ready for work but I was running late. As I walked into the office and opened up my emails, I still couldnt concentrate...and to add salt to injury my phone began to right....The caller ID told me it was Hugh.

I answered and his voice filled my soul with chills. I closed my eyes as he said "Good Morning Babe....fancy breakfast?". Inside I was screaming...I knew I wanted to say yes but my mind took charge and I said no.

He said to me that he wanted to see me today and that he would maintain professionalism as his clients were around. He asked me if I would like to come and meet some of the clients that I would be working with. As business took charge in my mind, I gathered up my bag and headed to the hotel...The whole way there I was trembling from the inside out....what the f*ck was I doing?, I was kidding myself to say that I was going to be able keep this professional....It was painful. Its like the devil and the angel were on my shoulder and I was stuck in the middle.

When I arrived at the hotel I couldnt see him but I could see the media EVERYWHERE!

I called him and he didnt answer. So I called again....part of me aching to hear his voice but also part of me dreading him answering. He still didnt answer!

A moment later I saw one of the women that was all over Hugh the night before. I walked up to her and asked if she had heard from him....she said no but that she would call him. Before I got the chance to tell her that I had tried that she had whipped out her phone and started calling him. I didnt catch what he was saying but the only thing I remember her saying was "Hugh, Your girlfriend is at the reception". He hung up on her straight away and my face went bright red. I was about to tell her that I wasnt his girlfriend when my phone began ringing....it was him!

He said "Hey Beautiful. I have told reception to leave you a key...come up im packing to leave". I tried to refuse and told him I would wait until he came down but he wouldnt take no for an answer and hung up. 

When I turned around the woman was gone so I walked over to reception. My cream bag hanging from my arm was shaking and the sound of my heels clicking on the marble floors was attracting attention. I flicked my hair over my shoulder to one side and the gentleman behind the counter said "Bonjour, how may I help you?". In Australia, I couldnt quite grasp why I was greeted in french until I realised the hotel was French!.

I was treated like royalty when I told them my name, The hotel manager came straight over and gave me my card in person. The famous words of "Enjoy your stay Ms Reilly, Mr Montgomery is a very valuable client, If there is anything you need please contact me directly, any time day or night" he said as he handed me his card and ordered another staff member to call Hugh. Not wanting to give him the wrong impression I tried to give the wrong impression I began to tell him I wouldnt be staying before the staff member returned saying "Mr Montgomery is expecting you".

The manager walked me to the elevators and pressed the 23rd floor. In an instant the doors closed and the elevator swiftly moved me closer and closer to Hugh. My heart began pounding my ears and my throat became dry...I couldnt swallow! 

The doors opened and I just stood there...I was feeling sick...I really didnt want to be there....I wanted to run as far and as fast as I could. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole but instead my heart took a step forward.....my feet followed.

I walked towards the door of the suite and forgettingI had the key I knocked on the door. Moments later Hugh opened the door dressed casually in a pair of Calvin Klein Jeans and a baby blue business shirt unbuttoned showing his incredibly tanned skin and as he leaned in I drank in the smell I will always relate to him "Obsession by Calvin Klein". It suited him!.....Trust me smell it and it will drive you crazy!

Now in order to grasp how sexy the atmosphere was you should listen to "If Walls Could Talk by Celine Dion" That song will tell you exactly how I felt with what happened next...This is the song I listen to after I leave him....every single time. I walked into the room clutching my bag tighter than I realised... that the buckle started cutting into me.

He kissed me on the cheek and lead me into the suite with his hand placed on the small of my back. The electricity in his touch shot through my spine that I actually jumped forward to get away from his hand.

I placed my bag on the ground near a chair and looked around the suite in awe! The view of the city was INCREDIBLE. I walked straight towards the glass window front and couldnt believe it.

When I looked around the suite I saw open suitcases, business suits neatly placed on the bed on top of each other and things EVERYWHERE...He really was packing!.

I stood near the window (and I have a horrible fear of heights) and got lost in the sights so much that I didnt even realise he was standing right behind me so close that I could feel his body pressed behind mine. I instinctively moved my head to the left as I could feel his breath on my neck and his fingers ran down my bare arm. The warmth of his breath on my neck sent tingles down my spine, the electrifying touch of his fingers running down my arm gave me goosebumps and I so wanted to turn around and look at him. 

I stood there for a second before reality kicked in and I moved forward and stepped to my right before running into an arm chair. He could sense how nervous I was and didnt push it, he returned to his packing and offered me a cup of coffee....I declined in a small mousy voice as I could barely breathe. He returned to the bed and began packing. We barely spoke two words and I averted my eyes to the television on my right as I sat down in the arm chair....I had no idea what was actually on but it was stopping me from looking at him and I was hoping it was hiding my feeling of being a nervous wreck!.

He dropped something in his suitcase and walked towards me. I felt like everything was in slow motion as I looked straight at him, I saw the hunger in his eyes, felt the electricity in the air and my heart stopped dead as he placed the palm of his hand over my jaw and before I knew it he was kissing me. It was like an explosion of fear, nerves, pain, happiness, butterflies and pure and utter passion as his lips were pressed on mine and his tongue explored my mouth with such a hunger and yearning that I didnt even see that his other hand was placed on the chair and I had literally been knocked back into the chair with the sheer force of his kiss. With my eyes closed I could feel the smile spread across his face as he kissed me until my right hand reached up and pushed him forcefully on the chest pushing him away from me so hard he actually took a step back. 

As my hand dropped he grabbed it and pulled me out of the chair with his hand around my waist in an instant and he tried to kiss me again....This time I wasnt going to cave. I ducked out under his free arm and he spun me around with a hard grasp of my hand and tried to kiss me again. I moved my head to the right and he caught my neck and nuzzled his head into the small crevasse between my neck and my shoulder where I drank in the moment before I took a step back.

Before I knew it I was yelling at him....."Why did you have to go and do that?!!!" I stood in shock and realised there was now at least a meter between us. He looked at me with his warm eyes with a deep, dark and cold stare that made me want to close the gap between us and be in his arms....be back in that moment.

"I could see how nervous you were and all I wanted to do was make you more comfortable, I have been dying to do that since I met you that first night and I am not going to start apologizing for that now!".

Before I had the chance to respond his phone rang. He didnt remove eyes from me and didnt budge and inch but I couldnt help but think....and then say...."Well arent you going to get that?".

He looked at me and squinted his eyes in disbelief before snatching his phone up from the table snapping...."WHAT?" to the innocent person on the other end of the phone still not taking his eyes off me.

I didnt pay any attention to what he was saying and grabbed my bag for with it I felt instant protection.

He hung up the phone and continued packing in silence and before I knew it he had finished and we were in the elevator in complete silence.

As I exited the elevator I felt completely different than how I had felt 30 minutes before when I had entered it.

We barely spoke two words to eachother except for when he introduced me to his clients. I could feel his fury but no one else seemed to have noticed it. It was burning off of him and hit me flight a ball of flames.

When I left him I felt as though I had screwed everything up. I didnt know if I was ever going to hear from him again and it scared me more than I cared to admit. I cried the entire way back to the office....I couldnt believe what had happened and felt like I had destroyed everything...and I couldnt understand why it hurt so much!.....

xx Ava