#TWENTIETHCONFESSION

I have found today to be an extremely hard day. Actually on second thought this week has been extremely hard. I have found myself closing off from everyone around me and for some reason I have found myself in the situation where I am feeling more lonely than I ever have. 

Now its not because I dont have people around me....I have a lot of people around me that love me and support me....its just that this week I have felt so overwhelmed by life that I am feeling like I am at a stage in my life that no one else is at....and it scares me.

I have found out a few things this week that have taken me a back....but I will get to that soon.

I am currently listening to "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot and it feels exactly like the perfect song for me right now.

"Welcome to the planet....welcome to existence....everyone's here....everyone's here....everybodys watching you now....everybody waits for you now....what happens next...what happens next". These lyrics sing to my soul right now. I feel like Im standing in a time loop and I dont know where the pause button is.

As I head back in my memory and I remember the aftermath of what happened with David and my realisation I can feel the pain grow within my heart. So much has happened since that night that I find it hard to swallow the bitter truth of all that has become.

After I arrived back home I made the plan to sit down with Hugh and have a really good conversation with him.

My mind ticks over as the song changes to "You" by Switchfoot.

Two weeks after I got home I arranged to fly back down to see Hugh.

Since the time that David left that night I had stayed in contact with him but vowed to not allow myself to let anything else happen. We would remain friends and that was it.

When I got on the plan I fought with myself over whether I would tell Hugh what had happened.

When I finally landed Hugh was waiting for me. He picked me up from the airport and we drove to the apartment I had booked.

When we got there we decided to order in and ensured that we preordered as the court case was still going on and I wanted the opportunity to spend time with him.

As I went to get out of the car Hugh opened the door for me. I could tell what he was doing. He was being the perfect gentleman. 

As I got out of the car I felt the rush of love pump through my body when I looked into his eyes as he took my hand. It brings me to tears now to think about how simple those days were all that time ago. We were still getting to know each-other, we were so close but still so far away from each-other.

Hugh grabbed my bag, his clothes and I checked in while he parked his car.

When I got up to the room my heart ached. I knew what I wanted but how was I going to get it with someone so complicated. Nothing had changed with his circumstances and yet I felt sick. I couldnt figure out how I was going to be ok with everything as it stood.

Moments later I heard a knock at the door and had to grip the bathroom counter to steady myself as I took a deep breath in. There was so much to say since we had driven from the airport in silence.

As I opened the door Hugh stood there for a few minutes drinking me in before he bolted towards me with his hands outstretched and he placed his hands firmly on either side of my face knocking me backwards before planting the hardest kiss on my lips.

I heard the door click but didnt move an inch. My arms by my side, I stood planted to the spot as he kissed me and tears came streaming down my face. He pulled away gently, wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs, both his hands still planted firmly on either side of my face. As I kept crying he placed his head gently in the crook of my neck as he pulled me closer to him and I threw my arms around his neck. He whispered ever so softly "I AM SO SORRY AVA".

I cried even harder and responded "Please Forgive Me" as I gripped him tighter.

I felt him tense and he released me holding me at arms length.

He dropped his head for a second and when he looked up he said " What do you have to apologised for?. I shouldnt have got you mixed up in all this!"

I couldnt look at him. I knew with what I had to say that I could very well loose him but I couldnt keep this secret from him forever.

I turned away. The knot in my stomach growing by the minute and I reached out to the couch in front of me to steady myself.

He walked up behind me and said "Ava?".

I turned to look at him and forced myself to sit down before I passed out. I was feeling so sick. 

He walked over and sat down next to me.

"Hugh. I caught up with David and almost slept with him. I would have if he hadnt walked out....and the reason I let it go so far was because I was angry with our situation and the fact that I couldnt do a single thing about it!" I said as my body trembled and tears filled my eyes.

I saw Hugh's eyes turn black and his face turned to stone.

"I understand. There is nothing I can get angry about because you had ended it." he said through gritted teeth.

"I promise that there is nothing there and I wont be sleeping with him. It was a moment of weakness and vulnerability. I am so sorry". I pleaded with him to make it better.

"Ava. This is not your fault. I am angry with myself. I drove you to someone else and I can't take that back. I dont want to hurt you" he said.

My phone began to vibrate on the table and David's name came up saying he had sent me a text message.

Hugh's eyes flicked to the phone and he took a deep breath in.

I ignored the phone but he kept staring at it. I didnt know whether to grab it or to let it go.

I grabbed it and went to turn it off and he told me not to.

I opened the message in front of him and he couldnt look at it.

David had asked me if I wanted to see him for dinner.

I turned to look at Hugh not knowing what to respond and he asked me outright "Do you want me to drive you?"

I was dumbfounded. How could he ask me such a question?

"No" I said sternly.

"Why not?" He responded.

"Because I am here with you and this is exactly where I want to be" I said angrily.

He turned to look at me and studied my face before I found myself leaning over and kissing him. I knocked him on his back and pinned his hands down beside him as I kissed him. We linked fingers and I began feeling the ache of desire in the pit of my stomach.....when there was another knock at the door interrupting us.

I pulled back and sat in shock as Hugh jumped swiftly up to answer the door and I sat there probably looking like a mess.

We ate dinner watching a football game and whilst there was an icy feeling in the air....laying in his arms I felt warm yet distance. I realised in that moment as he yelled at the television...this is what I wanted....Hugh and I.....TOGETHER....but I would leave that conversation to another day.

In order to really feel this next moment I want you to listen to this song AS you read this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EHAo6rEuas

I got up and walked to the bedroom. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my white lace bra and underwear with my black silk night gown on and tied loosely around my waist.

Once I had it on I stood in the mirror and fluffed up my hair letting it fall on my shoulders.

I lit some candles that I had purchased at the airport and I called out to Hugh and asked him to help me with something.

I stood by the bed as he walked in. He stopped dead in the door way as he saw me. I felt vulnerable and was so afraid of him rejecting me that I began shaking inside.

He walked over to me and placed his palm around my chin. I looked into his eyes as I placed my hand flat on his chest until his kissed me lifting me up. He wrapped his arm around my waist and I lifted my legs, wrapping them around his waist.

I kissed him passionately and slowly back.

He lay me down on the bed and hovered over my body still kissing me. He ran his hands through my hair and stopped kissing me moments later to look at me.

I wondered if he was having second thoughts and began unbuttoning his business shirt before sliding it off his shoulders.

He continued to lock with my eyes as he loosened the night gown and drank me in.

I threw my arms around his neck and began running my hands through his hair as we began kissing again.

We made love for 3 hours slowly and passionately never looking away from eachothers eyes. I felt ever breath, Every motion, His hands on my body, running his fingers through my hair. Every single action I valued more than ever. I realised just how much I loved the man in those hours and knew I had made the right decision....I was right where I belonged.

As I lay in Hugh's arms, with him kissing my forehead and running his fingers from my shoulder to my elbow I knew that he would have to leave soon I felt my eyes well up with tears. I didnt want him to leave but I knew that he had to....I knew it was the way things had to be at that very moment in time....Every one of my concerns had grown. I knew that I had to say something, I knew I had to tell him how I felt but I knew I couldnt do it that night....I just knew that it would break me if I didnt.....

xx Ava