#NINETEENTHCONFESSION

You can go,
You can start all over again,
You can try to find a way to make another day go by,
You can hide,
Hold all your feelings inside,
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry,

These Lyrics played over and over in my head for two weeks after Hugh and I parted ways. We didnt just cut contact 100% but I found it hard to communicate with him when I couldn't have open dialogue.

I never had to do another thing with the court system but as he was still fighting it and his situation was not going to change any time soon it caused me to have a heavy heart and I wasnt going to sit around and wait.

It hurt like hell to have to let him go but I knew that the only way I was going to be able to move on was to cut ties as much as I could. It wasnt like he had done anything SERIOUSLY wrong. He hadnt hurt me physically....he had just broken my heart.

As I sit here listening to "Someday" by Rob Thomas it reminds me just how hard that time of my life really was.

After torturing myself and my closest friend with every detail....trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong I finally gave up trying to figure it out....it was then that I met David.

A very good friend of mine made me read his book...he has an extremely colourful past but that didnt take away my intrigue.

I added David to Facebook and sent him a message. We began to get to know eachother and 2 weeks later I agreed to meet with him.

I met him at the airport just before he was due to fly home. He lives in the same state as Hugh. I dont know why I felt the need to meet with David...however I think it was one of those things that many women out there can relate to....A bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks....my natural instinct was of course.....someone that you can convert/fix to be a good boy.

When I met him, I have to say I looked immaculate. I had gone that extra mile and made sure that I would make an impression....and make an impression I sure did.

As I was walking to the terminal his flight was not far off boarding.

This was the first time I was to meet him and yet I was nervous as hell.

I walked directly towards him and he TOWERED over me. 
He lifted me up and swung me around in an embrace.

"Hello" I said as he finally put me down.

He looked straight at me and put his hands on my shoulders before taking a step back and saying "Wow..You look beautiful!".

I began blushing.

"Thankyou" I responded.

We talked for about 10 minutes before his flight was called.

As he was walking away he turned towards me with a furrowed brow and said.

"Can I ask you something?...You aren't Hugh's Girlfriend are you?"

In that instant I was hit like a tonne of bricks. I had forgotten that he knew Hugh.

I answered honestly. "No"

I had been an hour late and therefore we didnt have much time to talk...however secretly I was glad that I was late...I had a knot in my stomach and I felt extremely nervous.

He turned, kissed me on the cheek and left like a pure gentleman. His broad and well built shoulders tensed as he walked and I was in awe of this man. He certainly looked after himself. The only thing was...he had shaved his head clean of hair...I had never been attracted to bald men....but there is always a first right!

We began talking more and more frequently after our first meeting and a week later I flew down to meet with him.

Hugh had called me the day I was flying in and found out I was coming to town and asked if we could go for coffee.

Reluctantly I agreed.

He picked me up from the airport and went for coffee after I checked in to my hotel.

We made small talk but I still couldnt look at him. I found it hard to be in his presence.

After that I made an excuse to leave and it tore my heart in two. I wished it wasnt what it was but I couldnt change how I felt.

David and I had agreed to go for a drink the night that I arrived.

At 7:30pm that night we met for a drink at the bar across the road from my hotel.

When we arrived it wasnt that packed but it soon became overrun with patrons.

We couldnt really hear eachother and couldnt watch the football game that was on that we were both engrossed in.

After an hour and a few glasses of wine I suggested we go back to my suite to watch the game. I didnt want anything to happen and we were getting along really well so I didnt think anything more of it.

We went back to my suite and began watching the game.

I sat on the couch as he sat on the bed while we talked. I was a little nervous about him being in my room even though nothing was happening and there were no signs of anything happening I still found my demons of the past chiming in my head making me feel uncomfortable at the fact I was alone with this man in my room.

He looked straight at me and said...."You dont have to be so far away. I wont make a move. Come here".

I dont know if it was the alcohol or my anger from the meeting with Hugh and his blatant disregard for my feelings but I made my way over to the bed and sat down beside him.

I could feel the attraction from both parties radiate around us and mid way during our conversation I turned to look at him...before I knew it we were kissing.

It took me by surprise. My breath actually hitched. I found the heat within my heart rush through my body with such a force. I could literally feel the lust and desire pumping through my veins, the hunger in our kisses grew until I found myself removing his shirt.

He took charge and rolled me over and he leaned over me, one hand on to my right as his other hand was placed strategically on my left cheek. I ran my nails down his back and found my body lifting to this. I tried to take charge but the strength of his body leaning over mine made me stay in place. I was excruciatingly attracted to him and I wasnt aware at the time what was driving that desire...I was angry with Hugh, I was hurt and now I was skipping down the path to self-destruction.

I had no idea what I was doing but it seemed like fun.

I loosened the buckle on this belt and finally took charge. he placed his hands on my waist and began lifting my shirt. In that instant I felt a cold shiver run down my spine and I stopped what I was doing.

He looked straight in my eyes and before he could catch a glimpse of the terror that was slowly consuming me and before I could let it take over completely I began kissing him again....wishing the horrible feelings away....The other horrible feeling that was bound to consume me was the pain in my heart....I knew that I wanted and wished that it was Hugh beneath me but I couldnt turn my back on my feelings....couldnt Hugh see that?

That moment of hesitation kept radiating through me and as I started to let my inhibitions disappear it was David's turn to hesitate as I undid the button to his jeans and set him free....and boy was I surprised at what I saw....He was VERY well endowed....so much so that I was a little afraid and excited for what was to come!

With one swift movement he placed his hands on my shoulders and lifted me off him before getting off the bed.

It was like a slap in the face....reality had caught up with me and I felt like a deer staring at headlights as he began dressing.

All I could muster was "What the Fu*k?".

He turned to look at me in what I am sure was a vulnerable state and said "I just cant do this to you" before he grabbed his wallet and walked out of the suite.

It took me a few moments to realise what was happening before I climbed off the bed and opened the door where I saw him standing. I repeated my last statement and he turned to look at me.

I felt like I was being rejected and I had no idea. I think that the anger was directed at Hugh and how I felt he had let me down rather than at David but I couldnt stop feeling even more hurt.

"Screw you then!" I said.

I went to close the door and in that instant I felt the full force of a hand on the other side of the door as he pushed it open again.

I let it swing open and just stood there.

He looked seriously torn.

"I can't do this to you. I have done this to many women where I have slept with them and never spoken to them again. I can't do this to you. I won't do this to you....There is something special about you".

Before I had the chance to say anything more the elevator doors opened and he fled to them leaving me gobsmacked.

I didnt bother chasing him. I didnt bother messaging him rather I closed the door. Picked up my phone, cigarettes and room key and headed for the roof top to sort my sh*t out.

I sat on the deck chairs by the pool on the roof over looking the city in complete silence and darkness.

I picked up my phone and called my best friend asking her opinion on what to make of the recent events. I wasn't really paying that much attention because as soon as the story came out of my mouth I found myself with tears running down my cheeks. 

I wasnt angry and David...I was FURIOUS at Hugh. How had I got myself into such a predicament that I was seriously messed up over a guy?

My life had been a lot less complicated before I knew him and yet I knew that there was no undoing what had happened with him and I. I was in love and it was about time I started accepting that because it wasnt going away...Question was....was it too late?.

xx Ava